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Conflict Resolution 101 For Christians

     How do you handle conflict as a Christian? What are some good strategies to use to lessen the pain, drama and anger associated with them? Read on to find out how to handle the next conflict that comes up in your life.

     Conflict occurs for many reasons. Differences of opinions, miscommunication, daily stresses and the like. All very ordinary, every day reasons. But the fallout from conflict is anything but ordinary. Increased stress, poor health, aggravation, bad attitude and long-term resentment. You don't want that, right? So let's figure out how to navigate around those potential negative outcomes.

Expect Conflict!

     First of all, expect conflict in your life! As my pastor says, any time you have two people together, there will be conflict. So, it's not just a matter of if conflict will occur, but when conflict will occur. And now that you know it will be coming, you can prepare yourself! I mean, nobody likes conflict, but what will make it easier is your acceptance of the fact that it's inevitable. As Christians, and as human beings, we are all very different. We have different opinions, different ways of expressing ourselves, differences in leadership styles, abilities, aptitudes, moods and temperaments. While our differences can make us function stronger as a body, they also leave us open to the potential for conflict.

Conflict is Good!

     Here is the good news about conflict - it's a good thing! Why is that, you ask? Because conflict helps us to clear the air. It forces us to iron out our differences and it can lead to a new or better understanding of a problem or a situation. Let's say you just got into an argument with your boss because he is giving you more work to do when you are already pulling double shifts trying to get the work you've already assigned to you done. You get angry at your boss and (professionally, of course), tell him why you think that it isn't fair. You let him know that you have been doing the work of two since one of your co-workers left and have also taken on additional responsibilities in another area. You talk it out with him and he ends up cutting down your workload by re-assigning some of your duties to another person. How did conflict help in this situation? By making your boss aware there was a problem. You were able to clear the air, get some relief and maintain your professional poise and sanity. Without the conflict, the situation would have continued just the way it was. You - overworked and resentful. Your boss - delegating and unaware. Conflict is a good thing.

It's Not About You!

     The other good news about conflict is that the person with whom you are experiencing the conflict is not really mad at you! And though he or she says that you are the problem, you are in fact, not. Let me let you in on a little secret of what goes on in a person's head when that person reacts to something - that person is really mad at himself or herself, tired, overworked, stressed out, fearful, mistrustful, fatigued, short-sighted or just unaware. A person getting upset with you is much more a reflection of who they are then who you are. Think about it - if you are having a great day in a great life in a great world, how likely are you to get mad at a driver who cuts you off in traffic? But, if you are having a lousy day, in a lousy week with a lousy home life, what do you think your response would be to that same situation? People who are really happy don't engage in unnecessary or spiteful conflict. It is those who are the most unhappy who take that unhappiness out on other people. Hurting people hurt people. It's as simple as that.


Don't Let It Go Too Deep

     And, now that you are armed with the knowledge that you must expect conflict, that conflict is good, and that it's not about you, you are better prepared to deal with any conflict that comes your way. And, in that vein, you must also remember not to let any conflict get too far under your skin. After all, you know it's coming, you know it's not a reflection of how good or bad a person you are and you know that it is a good opportunity to clear the air, so face it with the most positive attitude you are capable of. Truly be open to listening to what the other person is telling you. Be objective - be concerned, but don't let their words, their attitude or the actions cut into your own heart. It says in the Bible that you must guard your heart and with good reason. In any conflict, you truly are fighting an enemy and that enemy is not the person engaging you in conversation. Our enemy is Satan and we don't fight him by being negative, harsh, retaliatory or angry. We fight him by being positive, thoughtful, careful and alert. That's why you must enter into the conversation, hear what the other person is saying, but never lose sight of who you are - a child of God.

You are Still Who You Are

     The reason it's important to remember you are a child of God is that the enemy wants you to think of anything but that in the heat of an argument. He wants you to get angry and respond angrily to the person you are talking to. He wants to tear down and destroy your relationship, your friendship and, ultimately, your peace of mind. Think of the mileage he gets out of you when you get angry at someone, say hurtful things to another person, or bottle up your anger and resentment at that person on the inside. Stop it! Stop it right now! Remember that you are still the person you've always been - nothing anyone says or does to you will change that. Remember who you are and stand in it! You are not someone who points fingers at someone or calls someone names or walks around in unforgiveness. (And if you are, those are the first things you should work on!) You are not the type of person who holds on to a grudge, puts someone down or gets easily offended. You are a child of God! Stand up Child of God and remember who you are!


Resolve, resolve, resolve!

     After you have listened, after you have talked, and after you have taken time to understand the other person's point of view (and that person has hopefully understood yours) it's time to resolve, resolve, resolve! And before you point out what that person did wrong, remember - it's not up that other person to make things better - it's up to you. The Bible calls on anyone who has 'ought' against his brother to resolve that problem. And it also says be ye angry and sin not. In other words, it's not a sin to be angry, but it is a sin to engage in behavior that perpetuates that anger. The Bible also says that you are to forgive others as God has forgiven you. And, if you really feel like you have a right to stay angry, just take a moment to remember the hundreds of times you fell down, made mistakes or were rebellious and God forgave you. All the promises you made to God that you would do better and the hundreds or thousands of times you did not. You acted up, you were rebellious, you didn't do something God asked you to do, or you fell on your face, yet God forgave you. But, for some reason, today you think you have the right to stay mad at someone else. It doesn't work that way. And it's not about what's fair and what's not - it's about doing what God has asked you to do concerning conflict resolution. So, be obedient and do it! Resolve that problem, situation or argument. And, if you still have a problem with it, remember the benefits connected with such behavior - a continued relationship with that person, peace of mind, blessings from God, development of a Godly character and the development of more fruit of the spirit in your life.

     So, the next time you find yourself in the midst of conflict, take a deep breath, listen and pause. Remember that you already expected conflict, that conflict is good, that it's not about you, that you are not going to let it go too deep, that you still are who you are and that you are going to take responsibility in resolving the dispute. Okay? Ready, set, resolve!
 

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